Present Tense: 1

My friends/bosses have come back from Iceland. I was so happy to see them... the baby has gotten so big, I last saw him on his first birthday, now he is twenty-two months. I like them and I've missed them very, very much.

But I still can't wait to be out of here. I feel like I don't belong. It used to be that the husband obviously cared about me, and I know he got frustrated, angry, scared, etc but I still knew he cared. Now I feel like this huge distance has grown between us. I can understand why, but that doesn't make it less uncomfortable. The wife and I are still close, I can talk to her, but I want to be close to him again, too. I am angry at him, for leaving me here this summer with someone I could hate, if only I cared enough about that particular person, and I am angry at him for leaving me here alone for almost three months and almost never calling, only writing when he needed something... men are so frustrating sometimes.

I wish this were easier. I wish I knew I could still talk to him like I used to. I wish I could just ask him where we stand.

In a way I guess I can. At some point I can ask him if, the next time I am job hunting, I should call him. I don't even know if I want to come back here, but I sort of want to know if it is something I should even think about. If it did happen, I would want to pretty much start over again, and make a number of changes.

I am probably going to Iceland soon, and staying for three months. I am looking forward to it, learning Icelandic and learning more about training, but I am a little worried about it, too. I feel better now than I ever have, even as tired and frustrated as I am now, but how can I know this will last? And what happens if it doesn't?

It doesn't help my current mood that I've fallen off three times in a week. I went the whole winter without falling off, didn't fall off for a long time before that, and now three times in a week.

I think I'd like a hug.