Below are the 6 most recent journal entries recorded in thatpoetgirl's LiveJournal:

Tuesday, March 7th, 2006
11:19 pm	Tomorrow I go to Iceland. I will be there for three months, or four. I should have e-mail access, but not regularly, so, I'm not ignoring you, I'm just not really around. I'm looking forward to it, although I hate packing. How do you ever know what to take and what to leave behind? I'm sure I don't. Current Mood: exhausted (Comment on this)
Sunday, February 26th, 2006
4:27 pm	Present Tense: 2 Some days I hate Kentucky. Days like today when I can't breathe because I'm allergic to this whole fucking state. It's not that I'm stuffed up, or coughing or sneezing, just that I can't get enough air. I sit here and pant, pant, pant, and then suck in as much air as I can but I can't hold it so I lose it all right away, and then begin the whole process over again. Two weeks from now I will be in Iceland. At this point I'm not looking forward to it. The whole food thing concerns me, I feel better but it's never lasted so how do I know that it will this time? I asked for advice on one of the communities and didn't get any. I feel like hiding behind someone, or just hiding. Finding myself a nice little box where no one can see me. But that's silly because I really do want to go, and when I get there I know it'll be ok, it's just right now that I'm worried. My clothes are all falling apart, or I don't fit into them (do you think it counts as an ed if you starve yourself because you're too poor to buy clothes that fit?), my suitcase is falling apart, I have one raincoat but it's oilskin and it's illegal to bring them into Iceland. And I just bought new boots in November but I'll have to buy another pair when I get there, and a new helmet, and I'm already too fat for one pair of riding pants, and rapidly outgrowing the other. And I'll just barely have enough money to pay my student loans and health insurance if I don'y buy anything, nevermind that I owe three months' board on my horse now, and vet bills, and car insurance, and airfare. And if I want to go to Holaskoli I can't not go to Iceland now. I hate money. Not like I'd make enough to live on if I stayed here in the states. I'll actually be losing money at a slower rate in Iceland. And some days my friend that I work for is sooooo frustrating, like today when he called to tell me that someone is bringing a horse tonight, who cares if you already have plans for tonight, you need to be there. Oh, and my wife is probably flying in tonight, you can be in three places at once, can't you? Sure thing. No problem. And I need to talk to someone. Can I talk to him? I don't know. His wife, probably, but I don't know. Some days I just want someone to hug me and tell me it'll be alright. Then I could believe that it will be. Current Mood: apprehensive (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, February 25th, 2006
3:31 pm	Foreshadowing: 1 I'm going to Iceland for three months. I'm excited and scared, ecstatic and anxious. I still feel great, I've never made it through December unscathed, and now January and February, too, and I feel steady. This is unheard of for me. But now I'm to go off to another country, where I don't speak the language, and where I'll work for someone whom I've met, but don't really know. And all my food fears will be realized (even though I do not anticipate allowing them to take over). I have a hard time making food choices, so I tend to find one or two things that I like and stick to them. I also have a severe food allergy, salicylates, which include (in order of appearance and, more or less, severity) aspirin, garlic, onions, leeks, chives, pineapple, grapes, and apples, and the list will continue to expand. So that doesn't make life any easier, because a lot of choices are cut out right there. And the food choices are different there so I'll have to spend a long time making new ones. My food expenses will be covered, but that's a problem for me, too. My mother spends about $30/person/week on food and complains about the cost. (When I'd just gotten home a year ago, when my friend had sent me home because I was having major food issues and couldn't work, she dragged me- almost literally- to the store to go shopping with her. I think I put about two things in the cart, probably fruit juice and yoghurt, while she kept piling things in. The final tally was over $100 for three people for the week, and she made some remark about how I was so expensive to feed. Is it any wonder that food costs are triggering to me?) In Iceland, a dinner out for one person is usually over $50. Food is expensive there, as is everything else. So the whole time I'm shopping, I'll probably be worrying about the cost of the food and how the person who is to pay will be thinking that I'm such a pig, because it costs so much to feed me. I'm supposed to be learning the language, too. I understand a fair bit already, so I anticipated that, with a nonEnglish speaker, I'd start to speak it within a week, even if poorly at first. But the person who I'm staying with speaks English well, as does his girlfriend and many other people in the area. So I'm worried that I'll still be depending on English three months from now. That's more in my control, I can do my best to use only Icelandic and there will be plenty of people around who won't be speaking English. But the food still has me concerned, as do things like where to do laundry and what to pack. Eep. Current Mood: apprehensive (Comment on this)
Friday, February 17th, 2006
12:28 am	Present Tense: 1 My friends/bosses have come back from Iceland. I was so happy to see them... the baby has gotten so big, I last saw him on his first birthday, now he is twenty-two months. I like them and I've missed them very, very much. But I still can't wait to be out of here. I feel like I don't belong. It used to be that the husband obviously cared about me, and I know he got frustrated, angry, scared, etc but I still knew he cared. Now I feel like this huge distance has grown between us. I can understand why, but that doesn't make it less uncomfortable. The wife and I are still close, I can talk to her, but I want to be close to him again, too. I am angry at him, for leaving me here this summer with someone I could hate, if only I cared enough about that particular person, and I am angry at him for leaving me here alone for almost three months and almost never calling, only writing when he needed something... men are so frustrating sometimes. I wish this were easier. I wish I knew I could still talk to him like I used to. I wish I could just ask him where we stand. In a way I guess I can. At some point I can ask him if, the next time I am job hunting, I should call him. I don't even know if I want to come back here, but I sort of want to know if it is something I should even think about. If it did happen, I would want to pretty much start over again, and make a number of changes. I am probably going to Iceland soon, and staying for three months. I am looking forward to it, learning Icelandic and learning more about training, but I am a little worried about it, too. I feel better now than I ever have, even as tired and frustrated as I am now, but how can I know this will last? And what happens if it doesn't? It doesn't help my current mood that I've fallen off three times in a week. I went the whole winter without falling off, didn't fall off for a long time before that, and now three times in a week. I think I'd like a hug. Current Mood: sad (Comment on this)
Wednesday, January 25th, 2006
10:33 pm	Exposition: 1 Why is LJ kicking me out everytime I change the page? So, I'm in Kentucky. I'm lonely. That's not surprising, considering that every time I've been in Kentucky I've been lonely. The wierd thing is that this time, I'm actually alone. Every other time there have been other people here, at least one man, one woman and one baby. Not always the same man, woman and baby, but at least one of each. I work for a man from Iceland. When I first came here almost two years ago, it was to live with him, his fiancee, and their baby. They were all complete strangers, I'd met him once at a horseshow, but that hardly counts. In the house they speak Icelandic, which I'm learning but still not fluent in. So I guess it's no surprise that I'd get down, living with people who are in the habit of speaking a language I don't know and in a state I've never even been to before. Ok, that was a lie about always living with at least one man, woman and baby. Early last year, in March, I came back to help him get the business started for the year and it was just he and I. See, he goes back to Iceland every year for Christmas and because technically he can't be here more than six months of the year. So it was just the two of us for a little bit, until his brother came over. I love them. I love my boss, and his fiancee (now wife) and his baby, and his brother and his brother's wife and kids. I still feel alone, even with all of them in the apartment with me, even though I understand (and even speak) a little Icelandic now. But they're not here, it's just me with twenty-two horses, and anyone would feel lonely now. There's so much I want to tell them. So much I want to be able to talk about, real talking, not just me saying something and having them (him especially) say a few words and then never bring it up again. I want them to ask questions, to really say what they're thinking and feeling, even if it's not pretty. The closest we've gotten was in April, when he and his brother sat me down and told me that I couldn't stay here as sick as I was then. They had bought me a ticket home for that afternoon and it was a long time before either of them could really speak to me again. As conversations go, it was sort of stunted. A few months later he called me up and we had another wannabe converstation. Pretty much he asked how I was, and when he found out I was doing better, he asked me to come back and work for him again. Only for six weeks, though, and with his friend, because he'd be out of the country. His friend had a wife and baby, and they were horrible. He was a conceited asshole, she was stunningly self-centred and the worst housekeeper I've known, and the baby screamed all the time. Understandably, I was miserably lonely. He picked on my riding to the point that I stopped riding for the last few weeks I was here. I was angry at him for being such an unmitigated bastard and angry with my boss because I felt like he had brought me back here just to shovel shit. I thought at the time that he knew what his friend was saying about me and doing (sitting in the office all day while I worked) and that he agreed with his friend. To be fair to my boss, I don't think he did. So I'm back here again, and again, I'm lonely. This morning if my boss had been here, I think I'd have ripped him a new one, I felt so alone and so underappreciated. I work my butt off for him, because I love him and his whole family and I believe in the business, but I get very little in return. Money, yes, of course, I wouldn't do this without some monetary compensation at this point, but not much else. I groom and exercise his horses so that they all look fantastic, I keep his barn spotless, but at horseshows I ride the least of the horses, the ones we want to sell to people who can't actually ride, in day demos or the classes where I feel like I and the horse have the least chance. I want to ride in the night shows at the expos, I want to ride at least one good horse at each competition. I love them but I don't ever want to work for them again at this point. It's never steady, a few months here, a few months there, and they don't even try to understand me. I want to be able to tell them so much but I'm not sure if I trust them. I guess I just don't want to be alone right now. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, January 18th, 2006
4:55 pm	Salutations So. Here I am. I'm trying to get better, no, I am getting better. But it's not easy and there's so much that none of my friends and family know about me, and a lot of it, I'd like to keep that way. I want a place to cry and scream and vent, and I don't want anyone who knows me IRL to see "anorexia" or "cutting" or anything else in my interests or in my journal. About me. I'm twenty-five. I'm a horse trainer. I've got a degree in literature. I own an Icelandic horse who is my best friend. I, I, I. I hate talking about myself so I am just listing things as facts. I've been dealing with Anorexia/ED NOS for half my life, and self injury in varying forms for almost all of it. Last summer I had the job of my dreams, and I lost it because my boss, my friend, hated how sick I was getting and sent me home to get help. So I did, and things are a lot better. I've never felt like I do now, and it's wonderful, but sometimes I need to tell someone that I'm having a bad day, and I'm back at my "dream job" (I'll get into that later) so I'm far, far away from my therapist. I anticipate that in the next few days I'll write a lot of background, but this'll do for starters. (Comment on this)